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Trout Season/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Thank you, thank you. This is an exciting day. First day of trout season. Oh, I hate trout season. I hate that. Fishing shows make bad television. This is a fishing show. It is? Yeah. That explains the ratings. Picture this, uncle red. You and a bunch of guys in a canoe waiting for a trout to bite a rubber minnow. Not dynamic imagery. All right, harold, picture this. You wearing a paper hat making french fries. (audience laughing) (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) on today's show, I'll show you how to make a tackle box. Ranger gord has made sandwiches. I don't ask. Mike relates his prison experience to reality. Dougie tells us how to get women. Fishing season started this morning. We've had our first arrest. Before the sun was even up, bob stuyvesant from the ministry of natural resources fined junior singleton and confiscated his fishing equipment. He traded a '78 buick lesabre for that stuff. Not his fishing gear. Just the aircraft lights. Aircraft lights? Junior had lights on the boat pointing into the water. Is that illegal? Yeah, it's called unfair advantage. Bright lights attract fish. And government agents. (laughing) is junior in a lot of trouble? That's between junior and the ministry of natural resources. Where did he get aircraft lights? That's between junior and the ministry of transportation. Airplanes shouldn't fly at night. It's too dangerous. Well, it is now. (laughing) (red): Later, we'll practise casting getting ready for -- oh, boy. Dropped your sinkers and everything. Picking 'em up. Oh, oh, bill, got all the lures snagged into you. I guess you caught yourself. I'm not going to clean ya. Ok, this is for two hours with a wrecking ball from mcclintock salvage. You have 30 seconds to get mr. Hamar to say this word. Thirty seconds. Begin. All right, mike, uh, promise. Death threat? (laughing) dedication. Habitual offender? Conviction. Appeal? (laughing) um... Honour. Amongst thieves. (laughing) now, mike, when a man and woman pledge their loyalty, that's called making a... Conjugal visit. (laughing) ♪ oh, she had a rifle on her dresser ♪ ♪ a shotgun on the floor ♪ ♪ a pistol in her pillow and an uzi by the door ♪ ♪ she had enough artillery to start a conflagration ♪ ♪ and when she threw her arms around you ♪ ♪ you were pretty much there for the duration ♪ with this being the start of trout season, I got out my fishing gear. There's a lot, but, hey, I need it all, 'cause when I go, I want to stay gone. I don't want to have to keep going home for another hook, or more bait or another rod, or magazines, or ice, or sandwiches, or my eight tracks, or any of my fishing gear. This week I'll show you how we can make hip waders that will hold all of your fishing equipment. Hopefully you'll never have to step on dry land again. The prime component is one of these wading pools. I got this one from junior singleton. There's a hole in it from a game of lawn darts. First, cut a hole in the middle of the bottom, that's the same circumference you are in the middle of your bottom. That can't be right. I'll round it off. Once you got the hole cut the size of you, duct tape some shoulder straps in there made of... Duct tape. And just pull the unit up onto your shoulders. That's why they call them shoulder straps. And there we go. We'll have to separate this pool into compartments. For that, I suggest a piece of vinyl siding. Just peel it off of somebody's house while something else loud is going on, like, say, an electrical storm. Just be sure to wear rubber-soled shoes. You want to bend this to fit inside. I suppose you could measure this, but who has that kind of time? All right, I got her separated into compartments. I've got my favourite pop here. I got the bait in this area. Got some sandwiches. And got some tools in this area. You never know when you'll need 'em. I've added signs so you can tell what's what, 'cause on a hot day, the sun beating down, it's difficult to tell the bait from the tuna casserole. That was not a fun day. No wonder the fish weren't biting. Around back, I've got my first aid, my magazines-- all right, I can't seem to access the stuff in the back. We have what we call a design flaw. This will take a major re-think. All right, get yourself a hard hat. Drive a spike up through that. We've all done it the other way a few times, haven't we? Take a roll of duct tape. Stick that on as your bearing. Probably you've noticed that this is an army helmet. I got it from the possum lodge little theatre group when "all quiet on the western front" bombed. "bombed" is a little strong. "self-destructed" is more accurate. I added some strapping so these are longer. I got a hole at the criss-cross. Try to line her up with the spike -- get that in there. And there you go. Huh, huh, huh, huh? Look at that. Huh, huh? Now we're fishin'. It's just like a lazy susan. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. I'm going fishin'. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Ranger gord gives the tower a coat of paint. Bob stuyvesant just arrested stinky peterson. It's the first day of trout season and the only thing reeled in are possum lodge members. Does stinky qualify as a large-mouth or a sucker? Wall-eye actually. Stinky was fishing at rock reef point by chucking sticks of dynamite into the water. Apparently that's illegal, too. They're so strict about those kind of things. You're not allowed to catch unarmed fish with explosives or nuclear weapons. It's put a damper on sport fishing everywhere. Is that sarcasm, harold? Not if I have to explain it. Is it sarcasm or not? Go fish. (laughing) an important part of the forest ranger's job is rescuing lost campers and hikers. The forest is our friend. But many people enter the forest unaware of its potential dangers. Babes in the woods, right? Babes? There's babes here? Babes, whoa, whoa! Ow, ow, whoo! Babes, babes, babes! Where? It's just an expression. Getting back to your earlier statement. You've been up here 16 years. How many people have you rescued from the woods? Uh, you mean altogether, in a bunch? How many, roughly? All totalled up? I don't think the numbers are important. So it's none. Yeah, but I'm ready. For example, I have a light sandwich table. It's light because somebody's been lost for weeks and you give them a heavy meal, you know what happens. (gagging) all right, we understand. I'm even going to cut the crusts off to make them even more digestible. They look great. Thanks. I have a nice punch for a bit of a mixer. We'll pass out name tags, get to know each other, where you're from, what you do, how many people in your party presumed dead, how many people you know personally, like really know? Then it's time for ranger gord's chilli, and all I can say is thank goodness we're outside for that one. (laughing) then it's time for tea and dessert. Then, to help them assimilate back into civilization, we'll play charades. Charades, gord? Gord, gord, gord, you got people in the woods. They haven't had food or shelter for a while. They could have medical problems. There could be dehydration, hypothermia. It might take them a week to get back on their feet. A week? Yeah, a week. Wow. A week out here. Oh geez, we could have campfires, make gimp bracelets, sing songs, panty raids. Oh, come on, gord. Who am I kidding? Nobody ever gets lost around here. I don't know, gord. You seem pretty much out there to me. Welcome to harold's handicrafts where crafty hands make handi-crafts. Today we'll be making a country kitchen clock. Wa-ha-ha-ha. All right. First, as always, step one, gather up some scraps of wood. That would be these. Nail them together and you get a lovely housing for the clock mechanism. Take a couple and nail them together. That will be the clock housing. We won't use that one. That's gonna -- ah! Ok, there. Isn't that attractive? (laughing) (applause) and it's sturdy, too. We'll let that glue dry. And now it's time to work on the clock mechanism. For that, you'll have to buy a kit. That's in here. There's everything in here. You've got the windings. There's a dark thing. And stuff. Look at all this stuff. And that's exactly what you need. Wo-ho-ho-ho. Ok, there's everything you're going to possibly need in here. Except the instructions. But that's ok. That's ok because we can only hope that it's logical. There you have it. A lovely country clock face. Of course, you have the mechanisms. That's intricate. We won't get into that this week. Then you simply insert the clock mechanism into the previously-constructed housing. All righty. There you have it. You're very own country clock. (laughing) and you know, the best part is you made it yourself. Every year come spring, it's time to paint the old watch-tower. A lot of people might say "that sounds like a lot of work painting all those stairs." but, it's not that bad. Here, let me show you. We'll start with a primer coat. (paint sloshing) and once that's done, we'll start with the first coat. (paint sloshing) yup. And it looks like we need a second coat here. (paint sloshing) there we go. The job's done. Oh gee, sorry, red, I didn't see you coming up there. Geez. Two more lodge members were arrested for illegal fishing. This red tape is killing the sport. Everybody's ticked off. The guys on the spanish trawler are thinking of leaving. (laughing) the cops picked up moose thompson for poisoning fish. Who wants to eat poison fish? He uses benzene, harold. So it all burns off when you cook it. It tastes like the fish was cooked in australian wine. Why don't you guys just fish the normal way? Well, buster hadfield was fined and arrested, and he was fishing with a hook and a line. A grappling hook and a high-tension power line! Anybody using a metal lure had most of their body hair burned off. People pay to have their body hair removed. What happens if I lose my eyebrows and they don't grow back? You could be a female impersonator instead of a male impersonator. (laughing and applause) meanwhile, back at the casting contest -- that's a heck of a lure you got on there, bill. Bill and I are warming up our skills. We had a bucket. It was close. Yeah, it's close. You give it a try, big mouth. No, not that way. What are you doing? There's an unusual technique. So he tries her again. Right in. No, bill, no -- oh. You know, this is something you should do on your own, especially when you're with bill. His reel's all jammed up 'cause he bought the rod and reel for 99 cents, brand new. What are you doing? There's no fishing gear in there. There's no fishing gear in there, you dumb, big... What's going on? That's a wrench. What are you doing? What have you got there? That's my starting motor. What are you doing with my starting motor? What's the plan? He'll use that as a fishing reel. Later that day the sun came out. He got a hold of that one, didn't he? Look at that baby go. Look out for the wires. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. He's got the steel line on there, too. How does that feel? What happens now is, unfortunately, I guess, the starting motor started winding the line in, and bill's gone. He's not winding the line in. He's winding bill up to the line. Look out, bill! Oh, oh. Gosh, that was-- (laughing) and up he goes. But, hey, all's well that ends well. Should have seen the one that got away. Stay tuned while I adjust my fish finder. Well, I've had it. Bob stuyvesant just confiscated all my fishing equipment right out of my boat. What would give him the right to take my stuff? It's his stuff -- you borrowed it last year. Oh yeah, o if the government had their way, you know what fishing would be? Sitting in a boat with a rod, a reel and a lure, waiting for some fish to bite it. That's not a sport -- that's gambling. Why don't you use legal equipment, like a fish finder? You know what I'll do? Use a fish finder? Use a fish finder. You know why I didn't think of this? I waste time arguing with you. I won't do that any more. Excellent. Welcome to the expert portion of the show. On this week's portion we have my uncle red and his friend, mr. Dougie franklin. (applause) ok, here we go. First letter goes as follows: "dear experts" "I find a certain woman very attractive, "and she seems nice. "whenever I talk to her "she makes a face like something is burning, "then jumps into a taxi. "what's the deal? "mr. Lonely." not much to go on there. Mr. Lonely could be mr. Loser. Or maybe the woman is just playing hard to get. Well, no, red -- it's been my experience, women don't play hard to get. They are hard to get. (laughing) you don't walk up to a woman and start a conversation. You drive up. There's a hint, bold as brass in that letter. "she got into a taxi." hint, hint. Get yourself a set of wheels. What, like your monster truck, mr. Franklin? 'cause personally I find that completely inappropriate. Well, don't you go kidding yourself, harold. Women love a monster truck. They love the power. They love the size. Women love all that rubber. You're up in the truck. Don't you need something shorter to make that eye-to-eye thing that they recommend in those magazines that bernice buys? You're onto something, red. If you take that thought a little farther, it might behove you when you buy your vehicle to get one that puts you at eye level of whatever it is you want to be looking at while you're talking to it. Catch my drift? And another thing, power windows. Women love a man that can drive up smooth as can be, raise and lower his windows without cranking and wheezing. You know why? It makes 'em think you're good with your hands. (laughing) problem, uncle red? This fish finder's useless. Maybe it's a loose wire. Is it covered by warranty? Was it covered by warranty? I told everybody that fish finders were legal. So everybody goes and buys a fish finder, or borrowed one or stole one. We monitored every cubic inch of possum lake. We'd see every fish in the lake. Nobody saw anything. Completely blank screens. Stinky peterson told us that bob stuyvesant and the ministry of natural resources must have sent out a jamming signal. Let me get this straight. Not one fish finder registered fish? No, sir. Before they had their dynamite, poison and high-voltage lines confiscated, did one member catch a fish? No -- what's your point? There are no fish in possum lake! Possum lake is fishless! Golly, that's a relief. A relief? No, possum lake is completely lifeless. Here I thought my fish finder was broken. All right, it is broken. But it makes me feel better about having the equipment confiscated. Actually, it's a joke on bob stuyvesant. He took away all our stuff to protect the fish, and there aren't any. What an idiot! (laughing) (squealing) it's meeting time. You go ahead. Don't tell the guys about the no-fish. I want to give them the good news. If my wife is watching, I won't be bringing a mess of fish. I'll stop at the take-out place. That way we don't have to cut the heads off or pull the guts out, unless I go to the cheap place. For the rest of you, on behalf of harold and myself and the gang at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. (applause) (possum squeal) (harold): All rise. (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (harold): I intercepted a message. The ministry of transportation is doing a surprise inspection. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. For more information on red green and possum lodge merchandise, call... Or find us on the internet at... Boy, this too much.